Orgasms: To Fake or Not to Fake
Fake it until you make it - unless it’s during sex. In a study about heterosexual American women between 18-94 years old that 58.8% of them had faked an O for their partner (some studies say up to 90% fake it!). This is not super shocking because if you are sexually active you know the feeling. Here are some thoughts that run through my head: “I don’t want to hurt my partner’s feelings” or “There’s something wrong with me for not being able to cum.” Combine these thoughts with a wave of feelings like guilt, shame, embarrassment, stress, pressure, and disappointment; It’s no wonder why we fake orgasms.
Everyone fakes it once in a while and it’s totally normal but it doesn’t have to be the standard. In fact when we fake it we do not give our partners a chance to know what it is that turns us on, and it's basically giving them a false idea that they are doing something right.
How people fake them orgasm
We have seen the TV shows and movies where the actress scrunches her face, opens her mouth, breathes deeply and contorts her body signaling the end of the sex scene and a somehow in synch orgasm with her partner. Orgasms are an all body, magical and out of this world experience that's very personal, so taking cues from movies and TV is not the way to live life, especially if it's getting in the way of our actual pleasure. Throwing a sympathy orgasm a partner’s way is a kindness that is easy to pull off but we believe is harder for you in the long run. It's your choice. Some women fake it to boost their partner's confidence. Some want to end the love making session ASAP. Whatever your reason, just know it doesn't have to be that way!
Think about what you need to actually achieve it. Do you need to change the time of day of the lovemaking session? More lubrication? Do you need more foreplay? Do you need toys? Is something about your partner physically turning you off (for example he stopped shaving and the scruff is overwhelming!). You have to take care of yourself first. Start doing this by pin pointing what helps you reach an orgasm alone, and then bring that energy into partnered sex.
How to Stop Faking It
There is a level of comfortability and intimacy we should feel when exposing our bodies to one another. The playbook you used with a former partner will not always work for a new one. Talking about sex can initially feel awkward but it doesn’t have to be. Sharing your preferences, and kinks can be a vulnerable experience but you should be emotioanlly comfortable with your partner to be able to have these types of conversations if you are sharing sexual intimacy. Exploring each other’s bodies and finding what turns them on can also be a really exciting journey for all couples - whether you’ve been together for a while or just getting started.
The only way to stop faking it is to be honest and emotionally open. It’s ok to stop having sex if you aren’t in the mood anymore. It’s ok to stop having sex if it hurts you and you don’t feel comfortable. It’s your body and you get to be the arbiter for its pleasure. It’s easy to blame our partners or even ourselves but it always comes down to our relationship with our own body. Sexual wellness is emotional and physical. We recommend play oil to help with foreplay and to ease discomfort if sex feels painful or to stimulate blood flow and help with getting to the big O.
There are plenty of ways we recommend faking it until you make it, but never with an orgasm!
With Love, Rebecca