The best way to ask for what you want in bed…

“When do you feel most confident?” It was a question I was asked last week at Café gratitude in Los Angeles. **It’s a super hippie to be a restaurant where they have a thought provoking question of the day. My answer was that I am most confident when I am asserting myself. As the boss I have to assert myself often, but one of the places I know how to assert myself the best is in the bedroom (**love that for me).

I wanted to share these tips with some of you because In some recent surveys I found about orgasms and sexual satisfaction I realized heterosexual women are not satisfied in bed. Most women are not getting what they need and don’t even know how to ask for it.

Here are some tips on how to assert yourself during sex

• Know they self. I will say this over and over- its hard to get what you want in bed, which is most likely a toe curling orgasm, if you don’t know how to give it to yourself. Knowing what you want does not mean having more sex or sex partners. Masturbation is the most important way we learn about our bodies. Visit our previous blog to see what toys we are using, loving and experimenting with for self pleasure and also this blog on self play! And if orgasm is a problem for you, using an aid like CBD sex oil (we got you) may help get you there.

• Make sure you have built trust with your partner. I don’t understand one night stands because if you’re having sex in a heterosexual relationship 80% of the time you’re not even going to orgasm with a man according to some studies. For me, truly amazing sex happens when there is some trust established. When there’s trust you feel more comfortable asking for what you want and you are likely not afraid of hurting the other persons feelings by asserting yourself. Most men find out about sex from porn and they need to be taught that porn is not an accurate way to learn about the female anatomy. (slapping someone’s clitoris, and then fingering like you’re digging for boogers does not cause an orgasm although porn hub would have you think so). I don’t think women should teach men how to make them happy emotionally, but in the bedroom I will make an exception. Be the sensei!!

• Do the inner work on your self-esteem. Maybe you were someone who has never felt like you deserved much. This is very deep to ponder, I know, but many times when women have trouble asking for what they want or need in bed it’s because they have trouble asking for what they want or need in life. Maybe your emotional needs were never taken care of, or possibly even your physical needs so the thought of asking someone to take care of you physically so that you feel good is difficult. This is where self esteem work (therapy, books, spirituality or whatever you prefer) should take front row before getting into any relationship. Perhaps jumping into a sexual relationship before this work is done would be more damaging than helpful.

   

  A safe partner can also help facilitate this feeling of being able to ask for your needs to be met, but this work should be done alone. Getting Love Right is my favorite book to work on emotionally safety in a relationship! In all of these the main theme is communication.

   

  Speak up, without being afraid of rejection or hurting someone’s feelings by telling them something doesn’t feel good or telling them you need something different. Any other tips we left out? Let us know on Instagram and sending us a message!

   

  With love,

  Valeria